Recently, I received a call from a gentleman in his early eighties, who was caring for his wife with dementia.

He told me, “I’m calling you, because I need an emergency plan if anything happens to me. I need someone who will come in and handle my affairs and my wife’s issues at a moment’s notice. Then my kids, who live in another state, will come and take care of my wife.”

I asked him, if his adult children were aware of this plan he had. No, he hadn’t actually discussed this plan with them, but he was sure it would be fine.

I asked why he thought it was a good plan to wait until an emergency situation to happens, before he could ask for help or let his children know of basic issues in advance. He said bluntly, “Look, I know what I need! I only want someone to be able to come in on a moment’s notice, then my kids will take care of everything.”

This exchange illustrates a common and complex issue that is happening across the country for many families with aging parents. A spouse caring for another spouse who suffers from dementia or another chronic condition will often become fatigued, burned  out and develop their own health problems brought on by stress and overwork, thus putting both elders at risk.

Often, the senior providing care will refuse help or underestimate the amount of help that is actually needed.

The adult children are often kept in the dark, while simultaneously being made part of a secret emergency plan that no one has actually examined. The secret plan is revealed only once the crisis hits, and the adult children are caught in a web of issues that are usually serious, intricate and deteriorating rapidly.

For the family members trying to help, coming in at this stage of the crisis can result in significant stress, significant time commitments and significant financial cost. It can negatively impact employment or business and overwhelm personal relationships.

Waiting to respond until a crisis hits almost always results in substantially reduced options for the aging parents and for the family caregiver. Reacting is never planning!

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Open up the conversation with your aging parent sooner than later! Chances are, you already have a feeling that something is going wrong.

Ask your parent how things really are with questions that elicit more than simple “yes” or “no” answers. Ask how tired, stressed or overwhelmed is the parent who is providing care? What are the health and household issues? How much time, energy and work can be realistically expected of other family members, if help is needed?

How do you respond to this information and what are the next steps?

As a geriatric case manager, I highly recommend having a family meeting with a geriatric case manager. Geriatric case managers are aging professionals with broad expertise and knowledge. We can perform assessments based on multiple issues and coordinate planning and services to meet goals for the entire family. Best of all, a geriatric case manager can continue to work with the family and the senior over a period of time, providing continual monitoring, oversight, coordination and support as needed.

© Anne Conrad-Antoville 2014

Anne Conrad-Antoville is a geriatric case manager with Champion Advocates LLC in Portland, Oregon. She has spent the past 15 years of her professional career successfully troubleshooting complex issues for seniors and their families.