Love Until the End of Life

The recent love story that has captured the hearts of millions around the globe is the one of a 62-year marriage between Maxine and Don Simpson of Bakersfield, California.

The images of Don and Maxine holding hands, while lying side-by-side in separate hospital beds, has fired imaginations and hearts everywhere.

And while The Simpsons’ genuine devotion and enduring love for each other is wonderful, it is not the striking chord to this moving story. Nor is the amazing account of how they died only four hours apart from one another with Don finally passing at the moment the family removed his beloved Maxine’s body from the room.

The real heart here is that of the family caregivers. In particular, the two granddaughters who initiated the couples reunion were able to see beyond the many significant challenges created by their grandparents’ major health issues and the consequential logistics involved in such a move and the resulting care that would be required.


A family being sensitive to the emotional and physical needs of their elders is not unique, in itself. Countless families jump in and tirelessly perform endless caregiving tasks every day. What shines through the many layers of this tale is that this family recognized what was needed at the end of these two people’s lives. It was to bring them together in a family home setting and to allow them to simply be. No more medical interventions; no self-serving grieving at the bedside. Just time together.

Melissa Sloan, one of the grandchildren, realized that her family was committed to keeping Don and Maxine together until death did them part, and she did just that.

I have seen how people often become confused when witnessing a loved one reach the end of his or her life, let alone both parents simultaneously. It is common at those last stages of the dying process for family members to become overwhelmed with their own emotional needs and lack of ease during these “real” moments of life.
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Understandably, many families are unable to achieve this depth of compassionate aging, because our western society and contemporary culture mostly fears death and dying and rarely permits us to take the time to allow a life to gracefully and gradually repose into its final earthly state.

However, this family discovered a way to honor the elders for whom they cared, while making the most of what precious time everyone could share together.

 

© Anthony Antoville 2014

Anthony Antoville is COO and geriatric case manager with Champion Advocates LLC in Portland, Oregon. He has been serving the psychosocial needs of seniors since 1991. Anthony is a published author with The Edwin Mellen Press.

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Self Compassion and Aging

Let’s be clear. Aging begins from the moment we are born.

In contemporary western society, we tend to view the aging process as positive up to a certain point. The turning point is somewhere in that upward “moving target” that counts as mid-life. From that point, we tend to view aging as a negative process and something to be fought against.

We have all become strongly influenced by advertising for a plethora of “anti-aging” products, counterbalanced with a youth-obsessed focus. Medical efforts and campaigns to cure countless conditions and diseases have been woven into our everyday experience, which can create for us a strange unspoken expectation that western medicine will someday cure us of all diseases and even overcome death itself.

We may experience unwanted reactions to these “anti-aging” and medical messages. The reactions can include unrealistic and unattainable expectations for ourselves and for those we may care for.  If our baseline is unrealistic, we can be much too hard on ourselves.

For example, for the person who is a caregiver of an older family member; guilt can become overwhelming when the older person’s health goes into decline. The flawed expectations of a treatment for aging and eventual death cannot be realized. This form of guilt can become self-debilitating and detrimental to the caregiver’s physical and mental health.

For those of us who are passing the mid-life point, our own thoughts can become self wounding and cruel as we find it increasingly difficult to fit ourselves into the a youth-based straightjacket as we age.

Moreover, other cultural conditioning can make it difficult for us to allow ourselves to be self compassionate. At a recent leadership training that I attended, the accomplished female speaker noted in an offside comment, “I have always found it easy to be compassionate for others, but difficult to be compassionate to myself.”
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Why be self compassionate about aging?

Self compassion allows us to be present in the true moment. It helps us to forgive ourselves, to heal our wounds and to appreciate our own best efforts. It allows us to be truly compassionate in our service to others. Self compassion frees us of unnecessary burdens, allowing us to age from our center of being with grace and with wonder.

© Anne Conrad-Antoville 2014

Anne Conrad-Antoville cared for her disabled mother from her pre-teens through her mid-thirties, when her mother passed away. This experience inspired Anne’s eventual work in professional aging services. Anne is currently CEO and a geriatric case manager for Champion Advocates LLC and manages Working Woman Aging Parents.

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